The other day I had a long awaited NHS appointment, it was months for me to be seen and it is an important health matter. We had quite a long appointment, me and the two medical professionals. They were really thorough in their approach, really knowledgeable, and compassionate. If I’m honest, beforehand I wasn’t sure if there could be anything they could do but by the end of our time together I felt really positive about the situation.
At the end, they walked me to the door of the room, and said I could call in-between appointments if I needed to. I was so grateful to them for everything and said “lovely” in response. Except I didn’t, what came out of my mouth sounded like “love you”.
“LOVE YOU” ? Like what I say to my friends and family. Ha ha, I remember quite distinctly the feeling of mortification as I tried to style it out by then repeatedly saying “lovely” (using it’s normal pronunciation, rather than the little-used pronunciation of ‘love you’) as I walked away.
It didn’t take long for me to see the very amusing side, as I sent a laughing voice note to my best mate explaining my blunder, whose response was ‘fantastic’.
Fortunately I was the patient in this scenario. If I were the professional it would be unethical to tell a client I love them. Of course. But love does find its way into the workplace. My mum and dad met at work – across a cigarette smoke filled staff room in a London inner city edgy secondary school. This was back in the days when teachers smoked in school and went for a pint at lunchtime. Art teacher chases PE teacher. Cool meets fit. They were together until his death in 2018. Fifty years, many of which were spent in that same school building. Neither of them were science teachers, but the chemistry never died.
Chemistry in the workplace is a curious thing. A romance between two consenting adults in the workplace is not unheard of, hearts set on fire, hearts settling into love routines, hearts broken. As I write this blog the song Heartbreaker fires up on my Spotify playlist sent by my girlfriend. The synchronicity!
Maybe your workplace is too small to provide the excitement of a new romance, or maybe you’re already committed to your romantic partner(s). But what about non-romantic, chemistry and love at work? I know that some of the best workshops I’ve delivered have been with a co-facilitator where there’s been an undeniable chemistry at work. It’s tangible to everyone in the room and the positive feedback shows it.
When it comes to coaching, we offer a free ‘chemistry call’ so that a potential coachee and coach can see if there is a spark, a chemistry, a vision of working together and getting intimate. I obviously am not referring to people getting their kit off. Coaching conversations however, are spaces where people can unpack all their ‘stuff’ without judgement, agenda, criticism or retribution. Sometimes there’s no words to describe why one coach feels the better person to get vulnerable with over another.
When a coachee has chosen another coach over me, and they are courteous enough to email and explain, often I read the words “I have chosen someone who I feel best meets my needs”. My response is always positive. I’m glad they’ve found that connection. I want people to find the coaching space that best works for them. This doesn’t mean to say that the positive emotion isn’t accompanied by disappointment. At times I agree, we probably wouldn’t have been the best match; they’d chosen well. At other times I genuinely think we could have had some really great conversations together.
Recently, we were recording our first podcast and I was being asked about handling Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) as an entrepreneur – how do I deal with rejection as a neurodivergent person? I was saying that I have processes for dealing with rejections and feedback and what not. But the reality is that if you can’t really talk yourself out of feeling feelings. It’s like the work version of heartbreak. If you fall madly in love with someone and it’s unrequited it can break your heart, and no matter how much you tell yourself they weren’t the right one for you, or you hardly knew them… your heart doesn’t listen!
Don’t get me wrong for being creepy, I’m not talking about falling in love with my clients, but I do have feelings for my clients. We all have feelings for our clients, customers, patients, whoever it is we work with. Some people are doing more emotional labour when working with their clients though, so it is natural that there are more emotions present. The beauty of my job when I’m coaching is that it requires me to be non-judgemental, non-critical and accepting of my coaching clients. Having a lot of positive regard for the people you coach is not only healthy for them, but also for yourself.
I used to wear a Garmin sports watch all the time. I used to get a bit obsessed about the stats. Among other data, I was interested in my stress levels, the stress level feature would help me determine my levels of stress based on my heart-rate variability. Curiously I noticed that my stress levels were consistently lower for the hours when I was coaching. I put it down to being a mindful coach. Listening whole-heartedly, practising positive regard, having those meaningful connections and giving someone the space they need to be seen, respected and valued.
Call me an idealist, but if all romantic relationships were like that, domestic abuse would nose-dive. If more friendships were founded on this stuff, society might not be so quick to dismiss them over romantic relationships. If more work relationships had these qualities, we would be a more productive economy, and there would be way less toxicity. If we fully realised that how we interact with others actually impacts their physical and mental resources, that we are a part of the system we operate in, that we have choice and options about how it can be. Just if…
Author: Dr. Anna Kane – Founder of Zest Psychology
