I was sitting at a lunch table, having already shared some deeply personal and vulnerable stuff with the 10 strangers who were also on retreat with me. Yet oddly, relaying a story over our tofu roast, about why I was late to arrive on the first morning felt oh so much more exposing.
This was lunch on the third and final day, and it’s fair to say these people were no longer strangers to me. I was immersing a few of my fellow retreaters in the details of how I ended up leaving my suitcase on the train as I made my way across London, destination Stroud. Simply put I was hugely distracted by an incident that had put my mum’s welfare at significant risk. Not just distracted, upset, distressed even.
The retreat was called “Freeing up your Future”. Through an introduction, I met Ed Rowland the facilitator and was drawn to his constellations work instantly. This annual 3-day circle is a true gift, from The Whole Partnership. The retreat is described as a resourcing and regenerative community, helping leaders, change makers and practitioners – realign with their true purpose and potential, and the flow of work that wants to come through them.
As a coach, facilitator and change maker, retreats like this are crucial for me. A chance to pause, reflect, connect and reset with myself and work. A chance to eat a load of smug delicious and healthy food served up by Hawkwood. A chance to run in the stunning Cotswold countryside, even if those hills are brutal on the legs! Even a chance to dance off and release any trapped trauma from the constellations work; which is an embodied experience of healing and integration.
Quite simply, without meaningful opportunities for personal development, growth, self-awareness, and learning, I am not giving my clients the best of myself to support their own work, their own paths and meet their needs. This retreat was very nourishing on many levels.
Coming back to the suitcase story, one of the retreaters, after listening with a slightly fixated look, simply relaxed her body and commented on how our retreats start before we even arrive. She was of course, insightfully accurate. On the train, I had been caught up in a sensitive text conversation related to the aforementioned incident. I simply got off the train without my suitcase. It was only at the bottom of the escalators when I realised I’d messed up. The first thought that raced through my mind – I can’t be late! The next, more intrusive thought – I can’t go on retreat without my toothbrush, HRT and running gear.
In Buddhist terms, I was caught in a dilemma between two of the eight worldly dharmas. The worldly dharmas are four pairs of opposites – four things we like and become attached to, and four things we don’t like and try to avoid. In basic terms, when we are caught up in any of the eight worldly dharmas, we suffer. (Pema Chodron writes beautifully on Buddhist teachings). My first dharma suffering was a fear of turning up late as a newbie to this particular well-established community. This suffering made me want to keep going with my journey and abandon pursuit of my suitcase. The dharma in question was avoiding criticism, blame and disgrace.
The thought of losing my suitcase was more unbearable however, the dharma of avoiding loss dominated my processing. If I did not pursue my suitcase, it would end up in Cambridge, it would take days to get it back, I would have to wear the same clothes for three days running… blah blah blah.
Pema tells us that it is not about eradicating feelings of pleasure and pain, gain and loss, praise and blame, fame and disgrace. Instead get to know them and see how they colour our perceptions and drag us unknowingly to places. A quick mental check on just how late I would be assured me that the potential suffering at the hands of criticism, blame and disgrace would be unlikely, or at least overcome-able and bearable. So I set about avoiding my loss instead.
I was clearly not the first or the last to pull this lost suitcase stunt. The platform staff at Farringdon and Finsbury Park were amazing. You cannot overstate how grateful I was for their calm, good natured, effortless help in enabling me to reclaim my suitcase.
Once that was resolved I fired a quick message to Ed to warn of my predicament. His kind and calm reply was just what I needed and it reminded me of this quality I saw in him from our first meeting. All in all I was 20 minutes late and my mini-drama was behind me.
I tell you this story because of its curious nature. In systemic constellations work, there can be points at which you claim or reclaim what’s rightfully yours. Constellations work is about creating a living map of a business and/or family system. These constellations acknowledge that unresolved issues can be passed down through generations of leaders or entering into businesses through a leader’s ancestral line. The claiming or reclaiming to resolve the unresolved might be money or other resources, authority, vision, purpose – or something you’ve given that you need back. Or you might need to acknowledge that you have given something and abandon any claims on it.
If the truth is that my suitcase story was the start of my retreat, then it was putting me in the train of thought (pun intended) to be making claims of something I had momentarily lost sight of. In another retreat, I may find myself needing to let go of something, draw a line and refrain from making any claims.
On this retreat, what emerged was truly unexpected, the need to reclaim the connection I have with my late father (so formal, he’s my dad really!). How the values-based, community informed, inclusive nature of my work is, in many ways, inspired by him and there is merit and worth in reconnecting with that.
I have just had a conversation where someone commented she’d love to work at Zest because we do things differently. Zest doesn’t push solutions onto clients, rather it takes a more open-hearted, inclusive approach to working with clients. This is true, and it is in this different approach to consulting, we have developed our evidence-base and Zestie consulting style. The parallel ways of Zest’s ways and my dad’s ways became evident on retreat. How he never settled for the status quo when he could see a more authentic, meaningful and enlivening way of doing things. This approach led him to trailblaze many things. Two to note are a thriving community magazine Time and Leisure, co-founded and led by my sister and the community-led Wimbledon Bookfest.
Here at Zest we’re trailblazing authentic confidence. We’re igniting authentically confident leadership in and across organisations. Again, like my dad, we do it in community, with compassion, warmth and an open heart.
Get in touch if you want to have a chat and find out more.
This month’s blog is authored by Dr Anna Kane, the founder and director of Zest Psychology.
Featured Toothbrush Photo By: Kaboompics.com